Sarah Palin vs. David Letterman – Mission Accomplished !

David Letterman is under fire for handing free publicity to a political footnote on whom the G.O.P. has pinned their 2012 hopes.

Since the night David Letterman mentioned Sarah Palin in his monologue, calls for the CEO of CBS to let some morons tell him how to run his business have been flooding in.   Lawmakers, who have solved all of the other pressing problems of the day and who speak only in the spirit of civic duty and not any sort of partisan shilling, have joined concerned citizens, unpaid interns, and even inanimate objects in forming a spontaneous, heartfelt, grass-roots campaign to bring back Puritan-style stockades punishment.

Picnic table, Republican

In the message to CBS chief Les Moonves, a Poughkeepsie, NY, public park picnic table, which identifies itself as a Republican, said that it held Letterman’s “shockingly erotic” joke responsible for the sorry state of the world today.

“As a property of the great state of New York and its Department of Parks and Recreation, I have been honored to host families on vacation or just out on a lunch picnic.  Upon my benches have sat the buttocks of fathers and daughters, husbands and wives, husbands and mistresses, and couples of inappropriate age differences.   Upon my table have the elbows rested of many ‘regular folks’ of various shameful circumstances who nevertheless show proud and resilient bearing as they dig deeper in the fried chicken bucket.   I wanted Mr. Moonves to know how I felt about Mr. Letterman’s disparaging remarks,” the picnic table said in an open letter.

“Booting Mr. Letterman out on his ass, and possibly seeking damages in a slander suit filed overseas, say, in the UK, would send a clear message that CBS is not a company beholden only to its parent corporation and its shareholders – it is every bit a popularly-elected body of officials who serve the public at the public’s whim and favor — the public, who has the right and ability to blackmail with boycots and less-than-a-dozen man demonstration photo ops.

“Even a famous, rich, rich, famous man like Mr. Letterman must realize that he is not a private citizen nor simply a comedian – he is a media figure who must balance his comedy in the political spectrum to please everyone, paying special attention to accomodate those with bullhorn and/or press-conference access.

“His joke offended me, as an inanimate object, on behalf of all people, be they celibate or promiscuous, be they planned or acutely embarrassing, born in or out of wedlock.”

Letterman, in his Electric Company days

The request came after the late-night host stopped short of apologizing for “jokes” he had made about Palin, an Alaskan-born mother of at least 4 and beauty pageant third-place runner up, and her family.   One joke referred to Palin’s daughter being “knocked up” by New York Yankees baseball star Alex Rodriguez.   (To explain the context of the joke, Palin’s high-school age daughter was actually sweetly penetrated and impregnated by Levi Johnston, the son of a confessed amateur pharmacist; Alex Rodriguez, it is believed, is a baseball player).

Bristol and Levi at the moment of conception of their child

“We were, as we often do, making jokes about people in the news, and we made some jokes about Sarah Palin and her daughter, the 18-year-old girl, who is — her name is Bristol, that’s right, and so, then, now they’re upset with me,” Letterman said, blinking away the red dots of laser gunsights trained directly on his retinas.

“Those were not jokes made about Sarah Palin’s 14-year-old daughter,” said a spokesman for no-one in particular.   “It was meant about Bristol, not Willow.  To pick on a 14-year-old would be unconscionable.   David simply misspoke – anyone who’d been awake during the 2008 Presidential campaign and who has half the common sense of a clam would know that he meant the OTHER one, the one who got knocked up by the captain of their high school’s elk-hunting squad, and then didn’t follow through with the obvious imperative demanded by Sarah Palin’s loudly proclaimed platform, which would be, of course, marriage.  I mean, far be it for anyone to condemn the choices young people make while wrestling with very personal, very complex, and very emotional  circumstances of family and relationships from some high-horse place of judgement.   But David’s apology came from the bottom of his heart – he gave his deepest and sincerest apologies to the grandmother of the bafflingly-named Tripp, who is technically a little bastard, a fatherless little bastard who won’t amount to anything because he will never know his father. ”

Palin

Palin later offered to appear on “The Late Show,” only when the stakes were raised to the boiling point and David’s job seemed on the line.

Neither CBS nor Worldwide Pants seem to have any intention of breaking David’s contract, which has the unusual characteristic of actually being physically inscribed and bound in sheets of cast-iron and kept in a lead-lined vault.

The Alaska governor’s office actually wrote, in an official written statement Thursday, “[I]t would be wise to keep Willow away from David Letterman,” implying that Letterman is a dangerous sexual predator.

On Friday, the Alaska governor said her only wish was that she had a husband who would knock Letterman’s block off.   Bristol concurred, and fired a shot from a .45 automatic into an ice cream cake.