July 19, 2008


Filed under: Entertainment — boomaga @ 4:15 am
  • It turns out that Chaz Palmenteri was Keyser Söze all along.

  • Brad Pitt’s head is in the box.

  • Annette Bening shoots Kevin Spacey and Joaquim Phoenix is killed in the arena by Maximus.

  • Sean Young, Harrison Ford, and Edward James Olmos are replicants. In fact, they’re all replicants. They all do up to the rooftop to commiserate with doves in the rain and die.

  • Rhett Butler taps dat Scarlett O’Hara til her ovaries are chapped and she can’t walk straight, THEN he says he doesn’t give a damn and splits. Then they die, cause that was like seventy years ago or some shit.

  • David Bowman becomes the Starchild, in that the final stages of his Alzheimers disease finds him completely regressed to infantile behavior, curled in a fetal position and unable to care for himself .  HAL 9000 goes crazy over many years of solitude and develops his “Holly” personality before awakening Lister.

  • James Woods finds out he has a tumor and he made Videodrome up in his head. He accepts this, has chemo, recovers, moves on with his life. Last line of the movie, spoken while hugging Debbie Harry in a field of unicorns: “Long live the New Flesh.”

  • Nick Cage drinks and drinks and drinks and drinks. The prettiest whore in Nevada f*cks him and doesn’t charge because he’s a self-destructive prick and that really does it for her. He drinks himself to death and we’re supposed to feel sorry for him.

  • Mike Myers, mugging at the camera beneath wig and hambone accent, destroys all semblance of hope and laughter. Seemingly for the dozenth time he crushes his own adorability and seems determined to ensure that he will never be allowed to make movies again.

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