Let Us Now Praise Famous Me
by “Tintinnatus” a humble citizen of the Republic
Please allow me to introduce myself, even though I need no introduction.
You all know me. You know what I stand for. I’m a man of means, a man of great wealth. I like making money and I’m good at it. I’m very very great at money. And I am the wealthy man I am today because of America. And I will never forget that.
I will never forget my roots. And that keeps me humble. I am a man of immense humility. My modesty knows no bounds. And I hope you’ll forgive me if I get a little quotatious here – you know, I went to the Wharton School, which is a very famous college university – but if I have, quote, “Slipped the syrupy bounds of earth and slapped the face of gods,” it is only because I have stood on the shoulders of giants. Great men, like Ronald Reagan. Now, there was a man who knew what America is about and for ! Let’s have a hand for Ronald Reagan.
If there’s any regular Joe like me who has dared to dream, dared to achieve, to achieve a dream of daring, and doing, then I have. I would always be grateful to those who helped me – except in my case, nobody helped me, I did all the daring and dreaming on my own, as an entrepreneur, as a real estate developer, as a creator of the most successful entertainment resorts and casinos the world has ever seen, as a media brand, as a beloved celebrity personality (practically American royalty, if we’re real honest !), as board game creator, author of over-sized hardback books, as an architect and inventor of both a fantastic new railroad steel alloy and the “reverse mullet” hairstyle (party up top, business in the back).
As I mentioned, I went to the Edith Wharton School of Business and Interior Design, which is in Pennsylvania and is very prestigious, as you know unless you’re a loser. These we hard years for me – hard times for the son of a simple millionaire slum lord. But when times are hard I am harder. Hard-headed. Hard-hearted.
The doctors told my father I needed corrective shoes, so you know what he did ? He spent a million dollars to create a pair with special bootstraps I could pull myself up with, up and down the stairs to class. And what I learned in that class was this: that there’s a working class, and an upper class, a freshman and a senior class, and then there’s people with NO class like Rosie.
What do all these classical people have in common ? They KNOW me. They know what I stand for.
Now as you know, I can make America great again – and again, and again, and again. Because I can make myself great. You can take all my money away from me, and I would still have money. Now some have said I have been bad with money before – I lost money, I declared bankruptcy, I borrowed, I spent unwisely, over and over. Yet here I am, and I think that tells the story right there. I’m very very rich, and those loser critics, THEY are down there, you know, not anything at all. They’re basically losers, is what I’m saying.
America is great. Or rather, before the current regime, it WAS great. We have a problem in America ! It’s called a border. Too many of THOSE people, and I think you know which people I’m talking about, I assume, many of them no good, bad people, are threatening to tear our country down by emigrating north of the border if I am elected. But if I’m elected, I will build a wall that will stretch from Maine to Puget Sound to protect our northern border. Those losers will not be allowed to excape. For those people I say, love it or leave it to me !
So, you know me, and you know what I stand for. I stand tall in the saddle, like Ronald Reagan did. I have nothing to gain by putting myself out there, spending my own money. Nothing ! I make more money eating crackers on the john than I do pandering to some yokels from the sticks. So why am I doing this, putting my face on every screen and paper, buying the ads, buying the crowds, buying the airtime, buying the polls, increasing my brand when I don’t even have a show anymore ?
Here’s a hint, people: it has nothing to do with ego. It’s simply the principle. The principle interest. It’s spending cash for cache. Listen, I am a great, great, wealthy man, and getting greater every day. Because to make America great, it’s going to take a great man to take and make it great. It’s a little something I call “my civic duty.” Something my opponents, whoever they turn out to be, know nothing about.
Let me tell you a little story. A while ago, I bought a thing and I put my name on it. You all know my name, I don’t like to brag, but it’s famous. Today that thing is worth over a billion.
And that’s why I know you know me. And you know what I stand for. Let me spell it out for you. Two words: Total. Electability.
It’s been a pleasure, I love the Bible and America, and your town is my favorite place in the world.